loving

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

it is not proud, it is not rude,

it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

and loving means giving..

what could I give as I only have You, O Lord..

you know you are helpless when ...

Last Friday was Good Friday...
Last Sunday was Passover...
and perhaps the time when I felt helpless and have this I-can't-do-anything-kind-of-attitude
I thought have been trying my best, but have I given my best?

God, please grant me wisdom, and fortitude..
Lead me unto Thy way..

exhausted

Exhausted, yes, I think that's the word that best described myself in the past few days.. I'm exhausted with all the commitments I took, everything seems to be piling up higher and higher and I couldn't even see an end to all of those. Once I wished that I could have all the time in the world, time to relax, read a book, play guitar, sing, and perhaps have an outing somewhere to a nice place, do things that I like to do.

Even, I am exhausted with all the ministries which I took. Sad, isn't it? You are doing something for God, yet you're exhausted. A paradox? What a terrible state I am right now. Human, fragile.. Human, helpless.. Human, nothing..

What went wrong? A friend of mine told me, perhaps it's because you rely too much on yourself. "Do not rely too much on self, but rely on God" something that we as a Christian perhaps hear again and again and again...

I once told a friend of mine, "Pray, in everything, in every struggle that you are facing, pray, in every thing that you do, pray, and bring yourself nearer to God. Pray, so that God leads your way. Pray, so that God shows you what you should do. Pray, and pray..."

I tried to remember, have I prayed about all the ministries which I took, in the church, in the university's fellowship? No.. not really.. Yes, I actually never bring all of these commitments to God, and let everything done with my own prowness, a futile attempt, sadly... I didn't really rely on God in the first place. So, please help me God.

a lil' update

Yeah thank God finally I've done my FYP presentation yesterday, with my last three exams in NUS. Graduation is a happy-and-sad moment for me... But thank God for all of these four years. I just received a call from my mom today when I was mugging in the library. My dad, mom, and my younger brother and sister will be coming to Singapore for my Commencement Ceremony! Sadly my younger brother who's studying in Japan couldn't come since his holiday will only start in August. But that's okay since he's also planning to fly home in August, so I can still catch him up back in Jakarta. That's not the happiest thing which I would like to share.

For the past 3 years since the first time I became a born-again Christian, I've been praying for my dad. My relationship with him was very bad since I was still in junior high until one time I stopped talking to him, at all.... I found he was really selfish and unreasonable as a father. However, as time went by and as I came to my faith in Jesus, I was reminded that he is after all a father who has brought me into this current state. And yes, I prayed for God to help me to restore my relation with my dad.. And yes, miraculously, maybe after 3 years, I started to talk to him and forgive him, and also asked for his forgiveness... And one more thing, I also prayed that he will come into faith in Jesus, I prayed for a chance for me to share Gospel with him, I prayed so that I can be a living witness to him and to my own family. It is tough, it is not easy, but in the last 3 years I have seen that God is really working!

Several years back, my aunt brought my dad to come to her church service. From that point onwards, my dad started to show his interest in hearing preachings in radio and TV. Although he rarely, very rarely go to church again after that. My mom has a habit of listening to a Christian radio station in Jakarta every night before going to bed. She likes to listen to various sermons and praise and worship songs. Inevitably, my dad also listened to those sermons which my mom listened to. And the seeds that God has planted grew over time...

In that phone call, my mom said, "your dad has actually believed in Jesus, but he is just too lazy to go for catechism.." I was surprised to hear that he has actually believed in... I felt on my knee, thank God for the wonderful works that He has done, it is always amazing to see how God works.. although I haven't had a chance to share the Gospel personally to my dad, but God has already started working through the sermons in the radio, in TV, and through the faithfulness of my mom... and the first thing which I will do when I reach Jakarta is to hug him! to talk to him and share how happy I was to hear the news, and to share God's everlasting and wonderful grace...

my new year's resolution

Not in the order of priority :P

1. Finding the right path for me to go after graduation.

Whether it’s working with industry and then continues pursuing PhD degree or giving my life fully for God’s work. I’m still praying for both of them. I pray that God give me a clear vision for my life.

2. Listen more, and think before you talk!

I’ve tried to do this from this year. Sometimes my “pleasure of talking” disrupts this commitment. But I won’t give up. My goal: be a good listener, able to speak out my feeling and discontents, and know when to talk and when to keep my mouth shut! To listen more also means to have a better self control of one self. Yeah, I need to improve on self control

3. Finish reading the whole Bible

Actually, I have already taken this resolution in the year 2006, but sadly I couldn’t complete it. But now, it should be different. In one year, I need to finish reading the whole Bible. I’ll use this website as a guide: www.oneyearbibleonline.com.

4. Finish my Final Year Project and graduate!

I’m really bored with my FYP now, so monotone ><. But still, I need to complete it. "Lord give me the strength to finish what I have started and give my best for this FYP." Lately, I felt somehow I was so lazy. I need to fight against this laziness. Jiayou to myself:P

5. Read, not only buy!

I have quite a number of books which I bought but I haven’t read :P. But at least now I can finish one book in more or less one month. But books are stacking in my room, I can say that 40% of them still left unread L

6. Be a witness of Christ to my family

My dad attended church service several times. But I’m not really that sure whether or not he has really understood the Gospel. I never talk to him about this kind of think. In fact, I hardly talk to my father. But no, I can’t stay on like this. I want to share my conviction to him as well. He’s already 60 years old now, who knows how long the remaining time that he has with us here. I don’t want to regret anything. I’ve praying for him for some times now, and will keep praying for him. Not only to my father, but also to my younger siblings…

7. Get a cholesterol test, eat healthy foods, live a healthy life

The last time I got a cholesterol test was three and a half years ago. I didn’t really care much about my cholesterol because I think “thin people should be free from cholesterol” but in fact not. I also need to do more sports, most of my time this year was spent in front of the computer :P

year end reflection

In a few hours, the year 2008 will come to an end and a new year will greet us. I have a habit of making self-reflection every end of the year and making a new year’s resolution the day after that. Yeah I hope this doesn’t become something legalistic and a yearly routine which means the reflection and the resolution and I made every year just become something that “I must do every year for the sake of just doing it” but I really want them to shape me to be a Christlike Christian.

I came upon this popular verse from the Bible during my quiet time today. It’s from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. “For everything there’s a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” (ESV, v.1). Although I’ve heard this passage for so many times, yet it reminded me again and again that there’s always an appropriate time for everything! I still prefer to “laugh” rather than to “weep”, to “dance” rather than to “mourn”, to speak rather than to silence. All of our times are in God’s hand. In every season that we are currently in, remember to trust God. Trusting Him should be the only thing that knows no seasons. Some questions came as I pondered upon this passage. Do I really letting Him to take control of my whole life, do I really trust Him? Or do I sometimes struggle to take the steer back from His control? Do I have the sensitiveness to hear His calling and His will on me? Or did I ever insist to do this and that even though I knew it clearly that it’s not yet the time for me, just because of my lack of self control and my lack of trust to His plan?

Yeah, I used this day to reflect back on what have I done in this year. Many things have happened in this year. I got a chance to go to Germany for an exchange program for one semester (it was from March to the end of August), able to visit my uncle and aunt there, making new friends, and traveling! I was able to see how many people have turned away from God. And one thing that I regretted so much is that during that exchange time, I was far from Him… During the last month of my stay in Europe, God helped me to rise up again. When I returned back to Singapore, many things have changed. Some of my friends did really change. Think because of the camp last May. Many of them said that it was a life-changing camp. Somehow I regretted going to Europe just wasting money, travelling for nothing. I felt that I should have stayed in Singapore with my friends and join in the camp. When I was in Europe, I hardly contacted them. But one of my friend said, “You have an experience of your own there in Europe.” Simple yet true, I have a chance to see how so many people have become morally degraded, I can feel the time of loneliness and away from Him, and a joyous time when He rebuked me and called me back.

Back to the passage from Ecclesiastes, I found that I am still lacking in my trust on His plan. I worried too much about things that I shouldn’t have worried about, on things that in the end He will provide me. I really want to live according to this verse: “For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (ESV, Matthew 6:32-34).

I haven’t found the path that God has provided me to go, the “good works” that He has provided for me to do. I’m still praying for the possibility to serve Him fully, or to work and then continue my study and serve Him as a tentmaker. My prayer is so that God lead me to understand His will for me, for I have seen and felt His own mercy and goodness in my life.

This year as well, God rebuked me so hard. God showed me everything that I’ve done in the past that is not unsightly in His eyes. He showed me how bad and unworthy I am. I remembered the first time I have given myself for Him in December 2006, and what have I done from that day onwards? Nothing! I didn’t become better, stagnant, or perhaps getting worst. I kept repeating the same mistake again and again, the same sin again and again. I tried to run from that commitment that I’ve taken in the year 2006. I was reprimanded. I had so much regret about those few years back, pondering whether or not I can return back and fix up everything (of course this is just a stupid wish). But how easy it is if people can go back to their past just to fix everything that they felt it isn’t right. God doesn’t want us to be like that, not even me. He wants us to learn from past mistakes that He had showed us, and to closely follow Him in order to change. God has revealed Himself to me and make me believe in Him of course not for nothing. He already gave me one more chance to change myself. And this is it, a time for change. I won’t let this chance go away just like so many previous chances God has given me. There are many things that I need to change and I need to learn…

I also have a communication problem. Did you know why God created men with 2 ears and just 1 mouth? It’s because He wants us to listen two times more than we speak (this is just my own interpretation ha2.) And this is what I lack. I talked too much! Worst is that I rarely talked about how I felt and what’s my feeling about this and that… (Singaporean called it “talking cock”:P). Maybe it is because I never really talked about my own feelings to my family. My mom is the closest person in my family, but I didn’t really tell her my feelings. It will be very awkward for me. With my younger siblings, the same thing also happened. With my dad is worst. One counselor in my university’s Christian fellowship once said this to me, “Although you really like to talk, you are still the most mysterious person I know.” I was surprised. It was 3 years ago, during my first camp in Singapore. From that time onwards, I tried to express my feelings to my friends but I still found it hard, and even on some cases very hard. When I have a conflict with someone, or when I felt a disappointment with someone, I didn’t feel like talking to them. A childish attitude, and indeed that’s what I usually did. Another bad thing related to my mouth is that sometimes I talk before I think what are the consequences of talking about this and that to the other people. This is worst. Many of my friends have become disappointed with me because of this. Being a stumbling block for other people is something that many Christians wanted to avoid of course. That applies to me as well…

God has showed me so many things this year…

I’m going to close this year without anymore regret. And I would like to close this reflection with a psalm from David:

“I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

--Psalm 16: 7-10

a beautiful fellowship

Today, I went to National University Hospital for an eye check-up. I have made an appointment with Dr. Lee Sao Bing (Consultant Eye Surgeon) a week before, after the end of my first exam. Actually, I have a problem with my left eye. I cannot see very clearly with only my left eye, as if there is something blocking my vision, just like a fog. After a tiring 3 hours check-up, Dr. Lee come to a conclusion that my left eye's retina is broken. Morever, he said that it's almost impossible for me to recover 100%. I was very sad when hearing this news. Next Monday, I will meet with Dr. Caroline Chee, a retina specialist, for follow-up. I think there is no other choice other than having an eye surgery. Actually, I am very affraid of surgery, I really hate hospital, especially the smell, but no other choices. I believe that Lord our God will take care of me...

My patient's card and the referral letter from Dr. Patrick Tan (University Health and Wellness Center)

NUH Eye Surgery Centre

From NUH, I went to The Cathay Dhoby Ghaut for a cell group session. Btw my cell group members are me, Ardianto, and Yonathan, and the leader is Benny. I and Yonathan went together to The Cathay, rushing for the free drinks promotion from Star Bucks (only today from 5-7 pm). We arrived at 6.45 and got the free drinks. I ordered the most expensive one hehehehe. My cell group leader arrived very very on time. I think he was one of the last people in the queue. You can see his victory smile here hehe:

Benny's (pink shirt, holding a receipt) victory smile :p

Star Bucks promotion

We (I, Yonathan, and Benny) talked a lot in Star Bucks while waiting for Ardi. Ardi had his last exam today at 5 pm. We shared about a lot of things, because this is our first meeting after a long exam break. Ardi arrived at around 8 pm, missed the chance to get the free drinks ha2. After Ardi arrived, we had a dinner together in Billy Bomber, just next door of Star Bucks. It's Benny's treat hehe, we were so happy, and I am still very happy now. Thanks a lot bro!!! We had a very nice fellowship back there, sorry cannot tell you what are the contents of our conversation, private and confidential hehe. These are our photos inside Billy Bomber:

Yonathan (left) and Benny (right)

me (left) and Ardi (right)

from left to right: Yonathan, Benny, me, and Ardi

After the dinner, we met with a bunch of wandering freshmen :p. We met with Teddy, Adit, Winong, Thomas, Vincent, and Anton. They were just from Bugis, buying gifts to be brought back to Indonesia. So that's for today, a sad news ended by a beautiful fellowship. Thank you Lord.

buffet time!

Okay, today me and 4 of my friends (Johni, Daisy, Haskell, and Jetan) were planning to go for dim sum buffet in one of the restaurant in China Town. The name of the restaurant is Yam Cha. We were so excited, we woke up very early in the morning (I myself woke up at 7.25 today coz I forgot to turn on my alarm) and went to China Town at 7.45 am. We arrived in China Town at around 8.30 am, woa it was very still, many shops still closed, as you can see in the picture. When we arrived at the restaurant, we were surprised that the restaurant was closed. Johni said that the restaurant open at 8 am for the buffet until 11 am. All of us were very upset until we found out that actually the promotion period was over. We found this out from the restaurant's advertisement in China Town MRT Station.

So all of us decided to go to Orchard Road, to find some other places to eat. Before that, we went to NUS Extension in Park Mall. From NUS Extension, we walked all the way to Visitor's Center to get information about some dim sum buffet restaurants in Singapore. Unfortunately we got no answer, so we followed Jetan's idea to eat in a Japanese buffet restaurant in Suntec City. He ate in the restaurant some 2 days ago with his KTB (sort of Christian cell group). Btw in the photos, you can see the Orchard Road during Christmas time. The night scenery is much better than this one.

Daisy was captured in the photo

The Christmas Tree in front of Paragon

We took bus number 106 from Orchard Road to Suntec City Convention Center. First, we took a walk around Suntec City. We went to the Fountain of Wealth to take some photos. Yea, you can see our photos here, also with the photos of Suntec City's Christmas decorations.

from left to right: Haskell, me, and Jetan

from left to right: Johni, me, and Jetan

from left to right: Jetan, Haskell, and me

yo this one is myself

We arrived at the restaurant at around 10.45 am, and the restaurant was still closed! All of us were already very hungry, yet we had no other choice, must wait until the restaurant open. Oh ya, btw the restaurant's name is Kuishin-bo, you can see the promotion phamplet here:

We went to the Sky Garden, just next to the restaurant, to wait until the time (the restaurant opens at 11.30 am). We took some photos here, remembering our childhood hehe.

clockwise: me, Haskell, Jetan, Johni

At 11.30, we went back to the restaurant. Woa, the queue was already very long!! We were the second "team" to go inside the restaurant. The buffet lunch is SG$23.80 for one person, quiet something for students like us. The restaurant provided up to 100 kinds of foods, from sushi, sashimi, tempura, tepanyaki, udon, etc etc. I tried my best to eat all kind of foods available :p, but still my stomach has its own limit. I was KO after I think my third round hahahaha. The foods were very good, especially the dessert. These are our photos inside the restaurant.

the deserts

from left to right: me, Haskell, and Daisy

couple :p (btw see the hand hahahaha)

my first post

Yo, this is my first post in this blog. I am now on my school holiday after having finished my exams last Friday. Many things that I need to do during this school holiday, from finding part-time job to Christmas carolling (btw I join the NUS Choir hehe). Many of my friends are also having blogs with many different contents. Maybe for my own blog, I want this blog to be a source of information and a useful one. Hmm, I'll start posting from now. That's all for the introduction.